I'm feeling a little bit bad for myself today. I'm feeling even more bad for the people in my life that are being affected by this whole cancer thing and never ever should have to deal with it.
Danny and I were supposed to go up to Michigan in late July with his family for a week and enjoy swimming and tanning and laughing and such at their lake house. Literally, the house is probably 8 steps from the water. And I simply adore his family. I would choose to hang out with his mom and dad in any sort of situation and look so forward to time together. This would have been a week where time stood still and we would amuse ourselves with games and stories and silliness and smiles. I know, it probably wouldn't have been that perfect, but still. Now, instead of being up in Michigan, I'll be in the middle of chemotherapy. Not only does this ruin summer vacation for me, but now my husband and his family have cancelled too so that they can stay with me while I'm sleeping and throwing up and acting like an ugly miserable person. Not a fair trade-off.
So Danny comes up with this great idea for us to take just a couple of days away before I start chemo so that we can have some sort of summer vacation while I'm still up for it. Plus, it will be awesome to have something to look forward to. So we find some dates that might work and we decide on Gatlinburg. We both have only been there once briefly, so we thought it would be awesome to see all of the touristy stuff and then just chill in the hot tub at night. I get this list together of all of these places I've been wanting to visit for a while now and then Danny reminds me that I probably won't be able to climb up a rock wall or go through a ropes course. Remember babe, you're on crutches. I still don't see myself like that. I'm frustrated that I can't do what I should be able to do in Gatlinburg.
And then there is my brother's wedding. He is getting married to one of my favorite people in September. Again, in the middle of chemo. We already have our plane tickets and our hotel rooms and our hearts set on going. But what if it lands on days 7-10 after a treatment? That's time period where I am most vulnerable to get sick and definitely can't climb on a plane with a million other people. What if it's right after a treatment when I'm completely hit-by-a-truck worn out and it would be beyond my strength to travel across the country and dance all night? I'm hoping that my doctor is flexible and by that point in my chemo I'll be able to postpone a treatment if requested, but I just don't know. It breaks my heart to think of going to the wedding and have people taking care of me when we should all be totally focused on Jeff and Laura. I can't even imagine not being at the wedding at all.
Yea, cancer's really cramping my style. Tomorrow I'll remember that I really have it easy and I should be incredibly thankful and let it just roll off my back. But today, I'm pissed.
It's ok to be angry sometimes. Pretty much anyone would given your situation. You are a great writer though, and I think this is both a wonderful outlet for you and a great way for us to be able to support you down this road. Love you, Omers!
ReplyDeleteLife gets pulled out from underneath your feet and you're forced to live this new reality. Both of our new realities make me angry at times too.
ReplyDeleteI have thought about you and the wedding too.
But whatever will be, will be.
Top priority is your health. We would never forgive ourselves if you boarded a plane and then ended up catching something from someone else.
then we would feel guilty and sad and helpless. You have to be cautious and we want you to be.
and to be honest, our wedding isn't going to be a normal wedding by any means, it's going to be pretty low key, no DJ/no dance floor... i mean if people want to dance we aren't going to post signs that say "no dancing" lol but you know what i mean.
After you kick cancer's ass maybe all of us and plan another trip. that way we can all be together and truly celebrate.
Love you sister.
Naomi - thank you for being so honest about your feelings. Sadness and anger are to be expected! Cancer is sucky and it is a part of the brokenness of the world :( Even if you are still angry or sad tomorrow or next week or next month, that would be understandable. You've got to name cancer for what it is: sucky and unfair and just BAD. Our God is Good an can redeem even really horrible circumstances like this one...but that doesn't mean we have to call the circumstance good! Feel frustration, grieve, and be upset. But keep an eye open for God to reveal Godself in some profound ways if you'll allow it.
ReplyDeleteAll this is to say: I support you, Naomi. I'm with you not just when you're letting it roll off your back, but also when you're angry. I believe with all of my heart that what you are going through today is necessary and healthy as part of calling cancer what it is!
Keep kicking cancer's ass!
<3 Tiffany
Naomi, thank you for being so honest, and so open and having such a beautiful heart, and for having such a lovely gift in being able to express yourself in a way that we all can relate to. This is one summer out of the next 71 summers honey; the cottage will welcome you next summer with open doors and quiet lake breezes and many, many rewards for the strength and courage you had in 2012. California will welcome you with a new chapter in your family's life, maybe not at the time it begins, but certainly during the time it continues to be written... each page will include you and Danny, Laura and Jeff when you are all together in a celebration of life. We love you so much, always.
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