The hardest thing you'll ever go through

Now that the shock of having cancer has kind of worn off and we've continued living life, I've had a lot of time to think about how this will impact us long term.  Our doctors and others that have beaten cancer have told us that this will be the hardest thing we will ever face.  It's made me begin to think about other times in my life that have been particularly difficult.  I find myself comparing how miserable I was then to how miserable this could potentially be.  I know, sounds like a blast.  But I've realized some stuff about myself and I suspect, about a lot of people.  Physical pain sucks, but it's the emotional stuff that comes to mind when I think of trials.  Not that cancer doesn't have an incredibly real emotional aspect, but it's the physical pain I'm really not looking forward to.  When I think of things that have been really tough for me to do, I think of things like being in the Navy for 4 years and not losing my mind.  Breaking out of co-dependent relationships.  Confronting people I love with truth that they won't love to hear.

I think it's almost easier to have cancer.  Cancer makes our choice pretty one-sided.  Either you do the hard thing, go through treatment, feel sick, and live or do nothing and die.  Pretty much everyone wants to live, so they do what they don't want to do because they must.  Emotional things should be that cut and dry, but they aren't.  When things are hard emotionally, sometimes the right decision isn't easy to see.  Sometimes the right decision is easy to see, but you don't want to see it.  Sometimes it's easier to not make a decision and hope things will change and get better, even though in your heart of hearts you know they won't.  Most of the time, not making a decision won't lead to your sure death, so there isn't any urgency.  And most people will settle in a miserable existance, even if just for a little while, to avoid a potentially sad and/or volatile situation.  But will you really live if you don't choose to do those hard things?  Won't you "die" when you lose yourself when consumed by trying to appease someone else, like you would in a co-dependent relationship?  Won't you constantly live with regret if you aren't brave enough to confront others with truth about yourself?  Won't you become a shell of who you were meant to be if you continue to stay in a place or in a job or with a person that doesn't breath life into you?  Be courageous!  Take action!  Stick with it!  Give yourself time to heal.  One day you'll look around and realize it was worth it.  Do what I don't have the choice to do or not do.

I have made difficult decisions and followed them through.  I have upset people and broken hearts (including my own) and survived seasons of depression.  By choosing some of these hard things and healing after them, I've been given a better life, a fuller life, a life worth living.  Cancer is something I didn't choose, but I know it's something I will choose to act against.  I can do this.  I pray that my cancer gives others the courage to take action when it's necessary, even when it seems too difficult.

For some reason, it's been hard to find the words to express what I'm feeling tonight.  I hope that the message isn't messed up by my sentences.