A weighty issue haha

I thought you all might want to see what the radiation room looked like, so I snapped a picture before my treatment today!  Exciting!!  

You can see the table I lay on over to the left and with my strange leg mold on top.  Once I lay down, the table lifts up and the techs pull me under the machine, lining up my robot legs with the red robot lines coming from the circular part.  Then they leave the room.  The only way I know that anything is happening is because a loud buzzing noise goes on for about 15 seconds to signify the machine is on.  Then the whole machine flips upside down (so the round piece is below me) and it buzzes for another 15 seconds.  As it flips back up, the techs come back in and lower the table.  That's it!  It's actually a little disappointing.  No flickering laser light show, no audible screams from the tumor.  Oh well, you can't argue with the results!

I wish I had something super meaningful to talk about, but the thing that has been on my mind lately is my weight.  I know, gross.  This is the biggest I have ever been in my life.  When I got married last year around this time, I was 30 pounds lighter.  THIRTY POUNDS!!!  Talk about wedded bliss!  I have definitely over celebrated my new relationship status.  I had recommitted to sticking with Weight Watchers to slim down for Jeff and Laura's wedding just about two weeks before we learned about the cancer.  Now in radiation, I'm not allowed to lose any weight (which I initially celebrated by immediately eating a large Chick-fil-A meal and then, of course, regretted).  Radiation and chemo both could potentially make me lose weight (or gain weight - TERRIFYING) and make me unable to fight the cancer as well, so it's important to be as rotund as possible when you start.  But of course, as soon as they told me I couldn't lose weight, that's all I've been wanting to do.  It's just strange.  When you walk around in your daily life and maybe you're a bit bigger than you want to be, you know that you have the option at any point to shed some pounds.  In the past when I would go clothes shopping and found something just a little tight, I would always think to myself "Well, I'm sure I'll fit into this soon!  I just need to lose 5 lbs and I can do that easy!"  You never imagine yourself next year, or the year after, or 5 years from then looking the same way as you currently do.  But usually, that's how it works (unless you actually succeed in kicking your butt in gear - major props to the inspiring women in my life who have done that!).  But now I am forced to look at myself and know that I could potentially be just as big as I am now in December.  I could even be bigger!  And all of a sudden, the sole pair of jeans I fit into that have been enough for the past year (because I'm sure I'll slim down soon) doesn't seem like enough anymore.  It's crazy how your perspective changes.    

What I CAN do is begin to eat more proteins and veggies and such.  Not only will I feel better, but I'll also give my body more nutrients to fight with.  It's been much easier while I've been off my feet to microwave meals here and there and I've found that my husband and I are buying food we never have before just for the sake of convenience.  I'm thinking the Kraft mac + cheese packs and ramen noodles probably have to go (even though they are SO good).  Sometimes it's hard to make good choices when in my mind I'm thinking "Well, I already have cancer.  What's a cheeseburger gonna do?"  And I do know that the little extra padding I've stored because I love my husband so much may just be the thing that keeps me from getting tremendously ill throughout this process.  So have to be grateful and just dream about kicking my butt into gear after all of this mess is over.  I don't want to be stuck at a sucky weight again!