Not especially cancerous

I'm sorry I haven't been as consistent about blogging lately - I know all of you are just dying without a constant stream of thoughts from me.  I have been trying to be a good girl and write thank yous to all of the people who have taken the time to send us all sorts of wonderful things.  Since I'm pretty sure I have a cap of about 500 words a day that come together actually sounding good and making sense, I haven't had a lot left over to delight and thrill you on the blog.  That, plus I really haven't been feeling very cancerous lately - no debilitating pain, no lose of hair, no scary warnings of my future.  And if we're really honest, we know that the cancer is the only really interesting part of my life right now so that leaves me without much to write.

Sadly I am not acting MOD tonight.  On Wednesday and Thursday I walked more than I have in a long time, trying to see if my previous role as MOD was physically possible for me.  The nights went well, I was able to perform up to the task at hand, but the dull ache in my leg when I woke up the next two mornings was enough to make me nervous.  The last thing I want to do is mess up my leg again right before family comes to visit, we go on our little getaway, and then chemo.  I also feel a little strange going back as MOD before knowing how I'll respond to chemo.  I hate the idea of stepping back into my MOD role, getting sick, and then having to bow out again.  I don't think most people would probably care, but it matters to me.  I'm kind of an all or nothing type of girl.  Thankfully my boss is awesome enough to indulge my stubbornness.  I continue to be more and more involved in different areas of the hotel on every shift, but I think it may still be a while until I'm comfortable as MOD again.

The biggest thing on my heart lately has been the gay marriage debate.  Obviously it's big in the news right now and it hurts my heart that it is dividing so many people.  I'm the first person to tell you that I'm not very educated on the issue and I've never been particularly politically-minded, so I'm not going to dive into what I think and why I think what I think.  That's not really what this blog is about anyway.  But it is something that has been weighing on me heavily lately and I hate that peace between the parties on this issue seems impossible.  I have friends that I care about deeply on both sides of the issue and I find myself listening to a lot of fired up, genuinely well-intentioned people for and against gay marriage.  Like cancer, I think the debate points to how broken this world is.  We try the best that we can to do good things, but we're only people and we're often foolish and selfish and majorly flawed.  Everyone was made to be beautifully different, but instead of celebrating that we spend so much of our time tearing each other down, blindly backing stereotypes, and focusing the majority of our energy on ourselves.  I'm as guilty as the next person and it makes me incredibly sad. 

I do have some really fun things coming up, which I mentioned above!  One of my favorite people Julie is coming for a quick visit at the beginning of next week, which is SO exciting!  She is so laid back and it's so easy to be around her, I can't wait to be together.  On Wednesday morning we have the big cancer doctor appointment - this will be the one that tells us when we will start chemo.  Then my mom and step-dad come into town on Thursday for the weekend - yippee!  And hopefully the following week will be our little getaway to Gatlinburg (pending when chemo starts).  A lot of great things to look forward to - be SO jealous!  I will write play by plays as all of the adventures unfold...