50/50

Last night Danny & I watched 50/50.  It has Joseph Gordon-Levitt playing a 27 year-old who is suddenly diagnosed with a rare type of cancer and follows him through treatment.  If you can overlook the copious and unnecessary swearing from Seth Rogan, it's actually a great movie to watch if you have a friend that has cancer (like me!)  If you're the one that has cancer, it's probably not the best choice.  A little too close to home.  They hit the nail on the head on a lot of issues.  First, just the total suddenness and absurdity of the diagnosis.  He had pain in his back and got some tests and found out he had cancer.  It's the same thing that happened to me.  Pain in my leg, we assumed it was because I had gained weight and had a dramatic change in my level of exercise, had some tests, found out it was cancer.  What?!  It's something you never expect and something you're never prepared for.  There was a scene when they threw a party for the main guy after he got the news and there was a little montage of people coming up to talk to him.  Everyone started the conversation with something like "So when are you starting chemo?" or "I had an uncle that had what you had" which, insanely, is exactly what happens.  All of a sudden every verbal exchange has to start and end with cancer, especially with people who never really spoke to you before but now feel obligated to because you're sick.

Another thing in the movie was that a lot of people kept telling him "Don't worry, you're going to be ok." At one point he gets mad and asks why everyone is so scared to say that he might die, that things won't turn out ok.  Because for him it's a huge possibility.  I hear it all of the time.  Thankfully for me, it is likely that I will eventually be ok but it is so annoying for other people to kind of gloss over cancer and radiation and chemo and all of the horrors that come with it by saying "Don't worry, it's gonna be ok."  But wait a second, I AM worried.  And I feel like it's understandable for me to be worried.  I'm worried that I'm going to get really sick and I won't be able to work.  I'm worried that my husband and my mom and my friends will get tired of being around and taking care of a miserable version of myself.  I'm worried that I won't wash my hands enough or brush my teeth enough or eat the right things to make me better.  And if we look closely, there really isn't anything about this that's ok.  It's a poison in my body that I have to fight by putting more poison in my body.  I really do understand why people say this.  It's not always because it's uncomfortable to sit with someone in their pain.  I think it's sometimes because people love me and they don't want this cancer to be a constant presence in my life.  They want me to be happy and healthy and "ok".  They don't want to see me suffer - not because it inconveniences them but because their heart hurts for me.  And I do appreciate that sentiment.  It just seems that all too often when I begin to share some of my fears with someone, they end up dismissing them with that cringe-worthy generic statement.

Over the past few days I've figured out another great thing about cancer - it's kind of lit a fire under my butt to do those things that I've been putting off.  Of course this will go immediately out the window when I start feeling sick, but right now I'm super motivated to do a lot of things that I love, but never seem to have time for.  This includes: playing the piano, singing, doing pilates, reading the Bible, crafting, and spending time with friends.  My job right now gives me a little freedom to do some fun things between answering calls - like write this blog post and make some fun hand-crafted cards.  It's one thing I will definitely miss when I go back to MOD.  Cancer re-prioritizes your life pretty quickly.  You all of a sudden realize that it would be horrible to die, but it would be even more horrible to continue to live not doing things that give you life.  This past year has been hard for me and I have let some things go so I could focus on learning my new job and invest in my new marriage.  I've recently decided that it's totally unacceptable for me to continue forward without music in my life.  I will never be the best singer or composer or piano player, but it brings me joy and brings me closer to God.  Speaking of God, I think a lot of people have known that I've been pretty spiritually dry since moving to Elizabethton.  The apathy that has grown up in me toward spending time in the Word, praying, and seeking out true fellowship is really sad.  For a long time I blamed it on moving away from my church in Asheville, a place where I felt totally free and accepted, but the truth is that I didn't put much effort in at all to make it work here.  I know this might sound crazy to some, but I would choose cancer yesterday, today, and again tomorrow if it helps me back to God.  I would rather die of cancer close to my Lord than live a long life far away from Him.  It is so easy to go day to day and get wrapped up in urgent things that aren't really important - I don't want to do that anymore.

Julie is driving to see me right now (YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!), we have radiation and the weekly check-up with the radiation doctor tomorrow, work tomorrow night, and then back to the oncologist's office on Wednesday morning at 8:30.  I am antsy to get to Wednesday, I want to know when chemo will start.  I've been waiting to cut my hair, hire a cleaning crew, and submit leave of absence forms at work until right before chemo.  I just want it to be settled and started.  The sooner we start, the sooner it will be over.  I'll let you know what we find out.