I have been getting number of incredible gifts in the mail from friends and family lately - I'm such a lucky girl. It's like the best birthday ever! Beautiful scarfs and deeply enriching books and delicious food items and letters with all sorts of encouragement. But I think today I have gotten one of the most precious gifts I've received to date. There is a woman that works with me that I don't know very well. She's in another department and keeps to herself often. Today I got a large gift bag from her with a gorgeous lavender knitted something inside. This is what the note said:
"'He will shield you with His wings. He will shelter you with His feathers. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.' Psalm 91:4
I made this for you. As I knitted it, I have prayed for you. As God heard my prayers for you, he transformed the simple yarn I was knitting into a prayer shawl, interwoven with pleas for healing for the one whose needs are being lifted up to Him.The shawl is a symbol of a covering of prayers for individuals who have need of God's healing grace. This one was also held and prayed over by members of my church so that when you wrap your prayer shawl around you, you are surrounding yourself with God's love and the prayers of His people. Know that you are covered in prayer!"
It brought tears to my eyes. That a woman I barely know would take the time to make this, much less pray over it and give it to me. I am humbled and undeserving.
It is strange to be getting all of these gifts. I still don't feel like I have cancer. Yea, my leg hurts and it's difficult to sleep, but that's nothing new. It really doesn't feel like anything that warrents this incredible influx of beautiful things into my home. But I know that will change. I know at some point I will undeniably feel like I have cancer so I just have to be thankful for my health today and thankful for all of you that have sent things, knowing that I will need that love and encouragement to sustain me over the next year.
Since we're talking about love and encouragement, I'm going to bore you for a second and brag about my husband. Because he's amazing. This year has been hard for me - I moved to a new place to be with him and left my church and friends behind. I had to find a job, which proved to be more difficult than I ever thought it would and then learn how to perform well in that job, which was also a challenge. Danny changed his whole future plans over the past year and began down a new and exciting adventure. We both had never married before and just learning to be with someone all of the time and have your lives so closely knit together is hard to do. And then I got cancer, haha. But all in all, I am so lucky. Last night I came home from work around 11:30pm. He met me at my car when I pulled up to help carry in all my stuff so I could use my crutches. Then he started a bath for me and made us tea. I got to soak in the bath and he sat in the bathroom with me so we could talk about our days together. Then we headed to bed, but about 10 minutes after laying there I realized I wouldn't be able to sleep well because of my leg. He got up, made up the couch for me, turned on the heater, and moved my medicine/food/water to the table. And the crazy part is, last night wasn't special. He does things like this all of the time. Simply because he loves me. Also because I'm a crippled cancer patient, but more because he loves me. I'm so lucky to have ended up with him, lucky to be able to see how wonderful he is, lucky to come home to him every night. I know, gag me with a spoon. I just want so much to continue to look at all of the many many bright spots in my life while enduring cancer. Cancer is not going to steal my joy. There are just too many wonderful things that surround me on a daily basis. Like my husband. And my new prayer shawl. And a million others.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Cancer is NOT my identity
I think one of my biggest struggles since I've known about having cancer is worrying that it will become who I am to people. I really like appearing strong, independent, and in control - actually, I think most people do. I hate the idea of becoming this victim, someone who can't take care of herself, someone that needs to rely on others to do simple tasks, someone who has cancer. I have already had to surrender my "manager" title at work because I can't carry things or be particularly helpful while on crutches. So I sit in the back answering phones, which I am incredibly thankful for, but I'm frustrated that I can't do more. That my body is limiting me, even though I have the knowledge and aptitude and desire to get out there and "really" contribute.
I poke fun at my husband for being the crutch nazi, but he really doesn't have a choice. Even though I know I'm not supposed to put any weight on my leg and I'll likely pay for it later, I try to get by without them, especially at home. I don't want to have to ask him to get me water or do my laundry. I want to do it myself. I'm ridiculously stubborn. My husband should get a large trophy for simply remaining in my presence for so many hours a day.
When I first found out, my brother and soon to be sister in law (I love you Jeffy and Laura!!!) sent me a ton of helpful and sensitive books on cancer, chock full of useful information. When I opened the first one, I threw it on the floor in a rage. I don't want books on cancer! I want books on making stuffed animals and pretty paint colors and how to be a leader and Downton Abbey and really anything other than cancer. People with cancer read books about cancer and I wasn't ready to be one of those people. Heck, I'm still not ready. It's like buying books for school - you would never in a million years own a copy of the Organic Chemistry textbook if you didn't have to take the class to graduate. I just don't want to identify with cancer so closely, so intimately. Getting the port in has been sucky. I now have something implanted under my skin (Danny calls me his little Cylon) that undeniably screams CANCER. Losing my hair will be another big tip-off. Although it may help those out who currently see me on crutches and unabashedly ask "Did you twist your ankle honey?" No sir, I have cancer in my leg. I bet now you feel dumb.
Anyway, the point of the story is, I don't want cancer to become my identity. I don't want people to look at me and think "poor girl with cancer". And then I stumbled upon a call to worship I wrote for my church near the end of last year and it somehow, perfectly, answered all of my doubts. Here it is:
"I believe God is my identity.
I was fat when I was young. Through 4th, 5th, and 6th grade, I was the big nerdy girl who always sat in the corner alone. Even when I got older, joined some sports, lost the baby weight, and made friends, I often still saw myself as this kind of pathetic, majorly awkward outsider. It kept me bound up in the lie that I would never be accepted and convinced me that I had to be fake to get others to like me.
I grew older and found other things to identify with. As soon as I could charm a guy into dating me, I did, and I could finally call myself a girlfriend. Being a girlfriend meant that I was valued, I was sexy, and I mattered to someone. It made me happy and confident; it also made me clingy and fearful all of the time. What if he broke up with me? What if he found out what I was really like? If I wasn’t a girlfriend, who was I?
I didn’t always identify with negative images. I went to Vanderbilt University and found out that being smart was actually a good thing. I jumped at the chance to start telling people I was now an intellect. This label told others that I had something to contribute and I finally felt like I belonged. But pride crept in and I became a bully trying to prove to others that I was right and they were wrong.
After Vanderbilt, I joined the Navy and the identity was easy to define. I was an American, an Officer, a true patriot. I knew that if nothing else, I was serving my country; I was doing my duty. I was strong and proud. I was doing something that so many others respected. But I was lonely, exhausted, and not myself.
Standing here today I can tell you that I am no longer obese or view myself as pathetic. All of those boyfriends in high school and college were losers. I no longer attend Vanderbilt and very few people know or care about my IQ. And I don’t get to wear a Navy uniform anymore. In fact, all of those things that were once my identity have passed away. All of those things that made me feel worthy, purposeful, and accepted no longer apply. But one has remained - Christ.
Ephesians 1:11 says It’s in Christ we find out who we are and what we are living for. Galatians 3:27 that all of us who are baptized into Christ have clothed ourselves with Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:15 says He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.
I am a woman, a daughter, a sister, and a wife. I am a veteran, a Yankie, and a college graduate. I have been both the victim and the criminal. I have two tattoos and I’m 28 years old. I am unemployed, incredibly organized, and come from a split family. I’m a member of Big Spring Church of Christ.
But these things DO NOT define me.
I belong to Christ. I am Abraham’s seed. I am an heir to the kingdom. I am light in this dark world. I am free. I can approach the throne of the Most High with confidence. I have been chosen. I am a disciple of Christ. This is my identity. And THROUGH Christ we can be all things to all people."
I could write another section in there now. I would be about that time in my life when I got cancer and I felt sick and my hair fell out. And everything about my appearance would confirm that I was a victim of a horrible disease. When all of the people I loved the most would think of me under the umbrella of cancer. But this will NOT define me and it will NOT have the last word. My God is bigger than cancer and He is the only thing I will choose to identify with. I pray you will help me seek out a healthy balance between dealing with cancer in a real way and finding peace in my Lord, no matter what the cancer does.
I poke fun at my husband for being the crutch nazi, but he really doesn't have a choice. Even though I know I'm not supposed to put any weight on my leg and I'll likely pay for it later, I try to get by without them, especially at home. I don't want to have to ask him to get me water or do my laundry. I want to do it myself. I'm ridiculously stubborn. My husband should get a large trophy for simply remaining in my presence for so many hours a day.
When I first found out, my brother and soon to be sister in law (I love you Jeffy and Laura!!!) sent me a ton of helpful and sensitive books on cancer, chock full of useful information. When I opened the first one, I threw it on the floor in a rage. I don't want books on cancer! I want books on making stuffed animals and pretty paint colors and how to be a leader and Downton Abbey and really anything other than cancer. People with cancer read books about cancer and I wasn't ready to be one of those people. Heck, I'm still not ready. It's like buying books for school - you would never in a million years own a copy of the Organic Chemistry textbook if you didn't have to take the class to graduate. I just don't want to identify with cancer so closely, so intimately. Getting the port in has been sucky. I now have something implanted under my skin (Danny calls me his little Cylon) that undeniably screams CANCER. Losing my hair will be another big tip-off. Although it may help those out who currently see me on crutches and unabashedly ask "Did you twist your ankle honey?" No sir, I have cancer in my leg. I bet now you feel dumb.
Anyway, the point of the story is, I don't want cancer to become my identity. I don't want people to look at me and think "poor girl with cancer". And then I stumbled upon a call to worship I wrote for my church near the end of last year and it somehow, perfectly, answered all of my doubts. Here it is:
"I believe God is my identity.
I was fat when I was young. Through 4th, 5th, and 6th grade, I was the big nerdy girl who always sat in the corner alone. Even when I got older, joined some sports, lost the baby weight, and made friends, I often still saw myself as this kind of pathetic, majorly awkward outsider. It kept me bound up in the lie that I would never be accepted and convinced me that I had to be fake to get others to like me.
I grew older and found other things to identify with. As soon as I could charm a guy into dating me, I did, and I could finally call myself a girlfriend. Being a girlfriend meant that I was valued, I was sexy, and I mattered to someone. It made me happy and confident; it also made me clingy and fearful all of the time. What if he broke up with me? What if he found out what I was really like? If I wasn’t a girlfriend, who was I?
I didn’t always identify with negative images. I went to Vanderbilt University and found out that being smart was actually a good thing. I jumped at the chance to start telling people I was now an intellect. This label told others that I had something to contribute and I finally felt like I belonged. But pride crept in and I became a bully trying to prove to others that I was right and they were wrong.
After Vanderbilt, I joined the Navy and the identity was easy to define. I was an American, an Officer, a true patriot. I knew that if nothing else, I was serving my country; I was doing my duty. I was strong and proud. I was doing something that so many others respected. But I was lonely, exhausted, and not myself.
Standing here today I can tell you that I am no longer obese or view myself as pathetic. All of those boyfriends in high school and college were losers. I no longer attend Vanderbilt and very few people know or care about my IQ. And I don’t get to wear a Navy uniform anymore. In fact, all of those things that were once my identity have passed away. All of those things that made me feel worthy, purposeful, and accepted no longer apply. But one has remained - Christ.
Ephesians 1:11 says It’s in Christ we find out who we are and what we are living for. Galatians 3:27 that all of us who are baptized into Christ have clothed ourselves with Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:15 says He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.
I am a woman, a daughter, a sister, and a wife. I am a veteran, a Yankie, and a college graduate. I have been both the victim and the criminal. I have two tattoos and I’m 28 years old. I am unemployed, incredibly organized, and come from a split family. I’m a member of Big Spring Church of Christ.
But these things DO NOT define me.
I belong to Christ. I am Abraham’s seed. I am an heir to the kingdom. I am light in this dark world. I am free. I can approach the throne of the Most High with confidence. I have been chosen. I am a disciple of Christ. This is my identity. And THROUGH Christ we can be all things to all people."
I could write another section in there now. I would be about that time in my life when I got cancer and I felt sick and my hair fell out. And everything about my appearance would confirm that I was a victim of a horrible disease. When all of the people I loved the most would think of me under the umbrella of cancer. But this will NOT define me and it will NOT have the last word. My God is bigger than cancer and He is the only thing I will choose to identify with. I pray you will help me seek out a healthy balance between dealing with cancer in a real way and finding peace in my Lord, no matter what the cancer does.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
My Ellen show request!
Today I have been a total loser. I've done almost absolutely nothing. Seriously. Slept on and off all night, got up with Danny at around 10, ate half of some pancakes that our incredible friends Jim and Scott dropped off for us (if you don't have friends that drop by on Saturday mornings with plates of pancakes, you NEED to get some), and went back to sleep on the couch until 3pm. I don't know what the heck's wrong with me. Oh right, I have cancer. The most effort I've exerted since that time was moving my desk like 3ft so that I could watch hulu easier from the couch, pulled myself out of the bathtub (even though i already took a shower this morning), and mixed and baked a cinnamon bread loaf so that I could eat it. Wow, my accomplishments are astounding. BUT I did put in time to write to Ellen (YAY!!!!) I'll be on hot stand-by for her phone call, which I'm sure will come in at any moment. What to wear, what to wear... Here is what I wrote to her. Tell me if you think it sounds pathetic enough:
Hi! Danny and I were married just one year ago on April 16th after a whirlwind 8 month romance. I'm 29 and he's 26. Since he is a full time student and I just started a new job after looking in our area for 4 months, money wasn't abundant when we started our life together. We were making ends meet by following a strict budget (which included a much anticipated $30/month for date night!) I was having knee pain a few months into my new job, but since I finally got health insurance we weren't very worried about it. After months of pain, many appointments, doctors, and tests, I was diagnosed with lymphoma. I have a large tumor in my tibia and femur. No one saw it coming. I can't do my job on crutches or while enduring the months of chemo ahead of me. My company is incredible and accomodating, but there is only so much they can do since I have only been there for 6 months. We are nervous about impending medical bills, a way to keep our house clean enough so I won't get more sick, and just simple things like groceries once I stop working as frequently. Our story is at http://teamyencich.blogspot.com/. It includes our list of why it's cool to have cancer and details how much it has affected our life in just a short period. I'm fun and cute and my husband is a stud! You should toally have us on. Thank you!
I also sent in this picture, which I think is my favorite of us:
Hi! Danny and I were married just one year ago on April 16th after a whirlwind 8 month romance. I'm 29 and he's 26. Since he is a full time student and I just started a new job after looking in our area for 4 months, money wasn't abundant when we started our life together. We were making ends meet by following a strict budget (which included a much anticipated $30/month for date night!) I was having knee pain a few months into my new job, but since I finally got health insurance we weren't very worried about it. After months of pain, many appointments, doctors, and tests, I was diagnosed with lymphoma. I have a large tumor in my tibia and femur. No one saw it coming. I can't do my job on crutches or while enduring the months of chemo ahead of me. My company is incredible and accomodating, but there is only so much they can do since I have only been there for 6 months. We are nervous about impending medical bills, a way to keep our house clean enough so I won't get more sick, and just simple things like groceries once I stop working as frequently. Our story is at http://teamyencich.blogspot.com/. It includes our list of why it's cool to have cancer and details how much it has affected our life in just a short period. I'm fun and cute and my husband is a stud! You should toally have us on. Thank you!
I also sent in this picture, which I think is my favorite of us:
It was taken right after we decided to start dating, way back in August of 2010. Of course, it was also only the third time we had ever laid eyes on each other, but some things are just easy. That choice was. If you look close, you can see my Canoo in between us named Sharkey - one of my favorite friends that stayed with me from Asheville.
Well, we'll see about Ellen. I actually have a busy week coming up - church tomorrow morning, and then work tomorrow night and every night after through Wednesday. SO thankful for work. Marriott is an incredible company to work for and my fellow associates are a joy to see every day. We really are like a family and I am so blessed to be there. The pancake men mentioned above - one of them works with me. I have been met with kindness and generousity and support at every turn since this whole cancer thing started. I think I can add that to my list of amazing reasons to get cancer. I've never felt so loved in my life.
Friday, April 20, 2012
A long night :(
One of the worst parts about having a tumor in your leg bone is that it's pretty painful when your walking on it and at night time. Thankfully I've mostly stopped walking on it (see Danny, I said mostly - my husband is the crutch nazi), but sure enough every 24 hours I hit night time again. Back before we knew it was a tumor in my leg causing the pain, there was about a 3 week period when I would get home from work around 1-2am (my leg would be killing me), I would attempt to go to sleep (because I was exhausted), but I couldn't (b/c my leg would be killing me), so I would get up, sit on the couch, watch Felicity episodes (as to not completely waste my time) from maybe 4am - 6 or 7 or 8am, fall asleep on the couch once the medicine kicked in and the ache subsided, get woken up by the kitties who wanted to play, get angry at kitties and cuss them under my breath, get back into bed with husband just before he has to get up and start his day, sleep a few hours and then get up for work. And if any of you out there know me, you know that when I don't get good sleep I get weepy. Fast. I was like a walking physical and emotional trainwreck for weeks upon weeks on end and it was miserable. Coming up on the third week we found out that I had a tumor in my leg and with it, more appropriate medicine. I have been managing it since then, but last night I had a little Felicity reprise (except I unfortunately finished all four seasons of that show and have moved on to re-watching The Office). I no longer can keep my leg pain in check with Ibuprofen. Which sucks. The lor-tab makes me loopy and weird and sporatically really hot. But I'll adjust, because I have to and I'm sick of not sleeping next to my husband (I'm equally sick of sleeping with/under the cats).
All of that to say that I was a little weepy today. Danny can tell when I'm having a bad morning because he says I put on my "muppet" face, which evidentally isn't very attractive. Even though we got this incredible new kitty litter palace for the cats called the CatGenie (seriously check this thing out - it's like a robot) from my mom and Danny put the whole thing together AND did the dishes (bc I'm a puddle of uselessness), I still was in a poopy mood going to my radiation appointment. Not like driving to the radiation oncology department on your not-so-local hospital is typically the bright spot in anyone's day. The team there was really nice and went through the general info required for radiation. My treatment will be 20 sessions long and each session will last about 15 minutes. They will be shooting 3600 somethings into my leg to try and shrink the tumor, which is actually a pretty low dosage I'm told compared to a lot of the other cancers and other body locations they treat. I shouldn't expect to experience any side effects really except for maybe a slight sunburn on my knee and stiffness in the joint. I'm jazzed actually. It would be SO great not to have this pain in my leg anymore. Lymphoma is supposed to respond very well to radiation, so I'm hoping to be more mobile again sometime soon! I have a follow-up appointment on Wednesday and then we will actually start the treatments on Thursday.
In other news, I've decided to try to get so popular on my cancer that Ellen will have to have me on her show. Not that we have cable and get to watch her show on a regular basis, but from what I've seen, I love. And she would totally go for this - cute, muppet-faced girl with an exceptionally witty disposition, newly married to a total hunk, has random leg bone cancer but makes it fun for everyone! Let's see what we can do people!
You guys are awesome. Sending extra special love to JULIE LAFLEUR, whose birth I am celebrating today. Maybe sometime I'll write about my not so adventurous adventures in the Navy, where I had the great fortune of meeting Julie. She made me life bearable and even sprinkled in some pockets of joy over that last year, which I will be forever indebted to her for. Everyone shout out a "huzzah!!" to honor Julie and the great impact she has had on so many lives.
All of that to say that I was a little weepy today. Danny can tell when I'm having a bad morning because he says I put on my "muppet" face, which evidentally isn't very attractive. Even though we got this incredible new kitty litter palace for the cats called the CatGenie (seriously check this thing out - it's like a robot) from my mom and Danny put the whole thing together AND did the dishes (bc I'm a puddle of uselessness), I still was in a poopy mood going to my radiation appointment. Not like driving to the radiation oncology department on your not-so-local hospital is typically the bright spot in anyone's day. The team there was really nice and went through the general info required for radiation. My treatment will be 20 sessions long and each session will last about 15 minutes. They will be shooting 3600 somethings into my leg to try and shrink the tumor, which is actually a pretty low dosage I'm told compared to a lot of the other cancers and other body locations they treat. I shouldn't expect to experience any side effects really except for maybe a slight sunburn on my knee and stiffness in the joint. I'm jazzed actually. It would be SO great not to have this pain in my leg anymore. Lymphoma is supposed to respond very well to radiation, so I'm hoping to be more mobile again sometime soon! I have a follow-up appointment on Wednesday and then we will actually start the treatments on Thursday.
In other news, I've decided to try to get so popular on my cancer that Ellen will have to have me on her show. Not that we have cable and get to watch her show on a regular basis, but from what I've seen, I love. And she would totally go for this - cute, muppet-faced girl with an exceptionally witty disposition, newly married to a total hunk, has random leg bone cancer but makes it fun for everyone! Let's see what we can do people!
You guys are awesome. Sending extra special love to JULIE LAFLEUR, whose birth I am celebrating today. Maybe sometime I'll write about my not so adventurous adventures in the Navy, where I had the great fortune of meeting Julie. She made me life bearable and even sprinkled in some pockets of joy over that last year, which I will be forever indebted to her for. Everyone shout out a "huzzah!!" to honor Julie and the great impact she has had on so many lives.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Good news!
Danny and I celebrated today with subs from Jimmy Johns because I don't have as much cancer as I maybe could have had! YAAAAY!! A lot of our questions were answered today and we are both just so thankful. The bone marrow biopsy they performed came back negative for lymphoma (yay!!) and the PETscan showed only positive for cancer in my initial tibia tumor and a smaller tumor in my lower femur (yay!!) The PETscan did light up a little bit in one spot in my neck and one spot in my back, but the radiologist believes those spots were just reactive and NOT indicative of cancer (yay!!). That makes my lyphoma stage 2 (yay!!!)
What does this mean? Well, it doesn't really change any of my treatment BUT it does mean I can get radiation for my leg tumors now instead of later and hopefully get some sweet sweet relief from the ever expanding internally bone crushing pain I now feel constantly. Yayy!! Our doctor is awesome and called from his cell phone in our appointment room to get me a radiation oncologist appointment tomorrow. So I will start that then, at 2pm. Our doc is estimating that it will take 15 sessions, 1 a day, 5 days a week, to kick those tumors in the groin. At the end of that I can still expect a nice, cleansing chemo "wash", but at least I can put it off for another 3 weeks.
Speaking of cancer, my mom and I have started making a list of why it's cool to have cancer. Read some of these and don't try to tell me you're not jealous!
1. Awesome excuse to have a kicky new hairstyle for the summer
2. Don't have to shave my legs all summer long - heck yeah I'll be rocking skirts!
3. I'm not allowed to sift or clean or go anywhere near the kitty litter (boo hoo)
4. Once I hit menopause mid summerish, I won't have to worry about PMS, cramping, or other nasties. EVER AGAIN.
5. I have the perfect excuse to sit around all afternoon in front of the tv and watch girlie movies
Obviously the list isn't exhaustive, but I'll continue to add to it as little unexpected fun gifts pop out of this otherwise horror movie type lifestyle. Thank you guys for reading and for keeping up and for loving us so well. Radiation tomorrow is an answer to prayer, prayers that you all have lifted up when we had nothing to offer God beyond our bewilderment and frustration. Thank you for standing in the gap for us. I pray that we can honor you and honor Him in how we walk this out.
What does this mean? Well, it doesn't really change any of my treatment BUT it does mean I can get radiation for my leg tumors now instead of later and hopefully get some sweet sweet relief from the ever expanding internally bone crushing pain I now feel constantly. Yayy!! Our doctor is awesome and called from his cell phone in our appointment room to get me a radiation oncologist appointment tomorrow. So I will start that then, at 2pm. Our doc is estimating that it will take 15 sessions, 1 a day, 5 days a week, to kick those tumors in the groin. At the end of that I can still expect a nice, cleansing chemo "wash", but at least I can put it off for another 3 weeks.
Speaking of cancer, my mom and I have started making a list of why it's cool to have cancer. Read some of these and don't try to tell me you're not jealous!
1. Awesome excuse to have a kicky new hairstyle for the summer
2. Don't have to shave my legs all summer long - heck yeah I'll be rocking skirts!
3. I'm not allowed to sift or clean or go anywhere near the kitty litter (boo hoo)
4. Once I hit menopause mid summerish, I won't have to worry about PMS, cramping, or other nasties. EVER AGAIN.
5. I have the perfect excuse to sit around all afternoon in front of the tv and watch girlie movies
Obviously the list isn't exhaustive, but I'll continue to add to it as little unexpected fun gifts pop out of this otherwise horror movie type lifestyle. Thank you guys for reading and for keeping up and for loving us so well. Radiation tomorrow is an answer to prayer, prayers that you all have lifted up when we had nothing to offer God beyond our bewilderment and frustration. Thank you for standing in the gap for us. I pray that we can honor you and honor Him in how we walk this out.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
The port
Ok, so Tuesday morning I got my port installed. We had to be there at 6am (because evidentally the port wasn't punishment enough). Thank goodness Danny has a lot of schoolwork and stuudying to do all of the time because he has to spend hours upon hours waiting for me in doctor's offices. Anyway, the procedure went well - it only took about a half hour and then another half hour for me to wake up from the anesthesia. I felt a little bit out of it, but not as bad as when they biopsied my leg. Then Danny and I had to drive down the street to another office so that they could x-ray my chest and make sure everything was in the right place. Of course, everything is made more difficult because I can't put weight on my leg and I feel sick from the anesthesia, so Danny is trying to manuever me in a wheelchair to the right spot while I hold my crutches and my vomit back. But in the end we got everything done (a huge thank you to the kind receptionist who took pity on me and gave me some sprite and a cool moist towel to put on my neck).
Once home, I slept. For ever. The medicine they gave me for pain is Hydrocodone or "Lor-tab" (that's the cool street name). I tried taking them in the past, but they made me feel more sick, so then they prescribed this other medicine for nausea to take before I take the pain meds. It's all very confusing. Danny says that he thinks I'm allergic to feeling better. Both of these meds make me drowsy, so I literally would sleep for 3 hours, go to the bathroom, get something little to eat, take the first med, wait 15 mins, take the second med, and repeat. Around 8pm I got up and took a little leg bath (can't get the port wet yet) and that was wonderful. BATHS ARE AMAZING AND SOLVE ALMOST ALL PROBLEMS. I've continued pretty much on my strict sleep schedule up until now. I switched over to Ibuprofen, my med of choice, so that I can work tomorrow and not feel stupid sleepy. I also have the big cancer appointment tomorrow at 9:15 to discuss what exactly I have, where it is, what stage it is, what the treatment will be, and when it will start. We are all holding our breath to see what he will say. I'm personally praying that he is completely bewildered and doesn't find anything and we can give up a shout of praise to God and go back to our real life. Sadly I don't think that's going to happen - not because He can't but because I think we've started down a path that I don't think will be cut short.
I hope all of this medical mumbo jumbo isn't too boring. I thought it would be interesting to look back at and see when I thought this little pain medicine made me sick - how cute. I'm going to try and upload a pic on here of the port. They covered it with a heart shaped gauze and you can see it bleeding through, so I have a bleeding heart haha. It doesn't hurt too bad, mostly like if you worked out your pecs really hard and the next day they are super sore. Anyway, stay well and I'll talk again soon!
Once home, I slept. For ever. The medicine they gave me for pain is Hydrocodone or "Lor-tab" (that's the cool street name). I tried taking them in the past, but they made me feel more sick, so then they prescribed this other medicine for nausea to take before I take the pain meds. It's all very confusing. Danny says that he thinks I'm allergic to feeling better. Both of these meds make me drowsy, so I literally would sleep for 3 hours, go to the bathroom, get something little to eat, take the first med, wait 15 mins, take the second med, and repeat. Around 8pm I got up and took a little leg bath (can't get the port wet yet) and that was wonderful. BATHS ARE AMAZING AND SOLVE ALMOST ALL PROBLEMS. I've continued pretty much on my strict sleep schedule up until now. I switched over to Ibuprofen, my med of choice, so that I can work tomorrow and not feel stupid sleepy. I also have the big cancer appointment tomorrow at 9:15 to discuss what exactly I have, where it is, what stage it is, what the treatment will be, and when it will start. We are all holding our breath to see what he will say. I'm personally praying that he is completely bewildered and doesn't find anything and we can give up a shout of praise to God and go back to our real life. Sadly I don't think that's going to happen - not because He can't but because I think we've started down a path that I don't think will be cut short.
I hope all of this medical mumbo jumbo isn't too boring. I thought it would be interesting to look back at and see when I thought this little pain medicine made me sick - how cute. I'm going to try and upload a pic on here of the port. They covered it with a heart shaped gauze and you can see it bleeding through, so I have a bleeding heart haha. It doesn't hurt too bad, mostly like if you worked out your pecs really hard and the next day they are super sore. Anyway, stay well and I'll talk again soon!
Monday, April 16, 2012
Happy One Year Anniversary!
Last year, around this time, I was looking super hot in a wedding dress and Danny was the finest looking fellow I had ever seen. I really can't believe it's already been a year of marriage. At some point I will sit down and write how Danny and I met and make you jealous over our sweeping 8 month romance, but for right now I will have to leave you in anticipation. When we met, I was living in Asheville. I love Asheville and since Danny and I weren't sure when I would up for a big trip again, we spent the day there yesterday to celebrate. We started the day at Breakthrough Church. I was a member there for 2 1/2 years and miss my family there tremendously. Getting to see everyone and singing out my worship was so powerful and meant so much to me. Church is so awesome because it gives you a community of people that love you as you are (even when you are completely sucky like me). It's also awesome because it's a place I come face to face with God. For me, when I'm singing and listening to the message, God is inescapable. I can't continue to live life pretending that He isn't important to me or my life. And that everything else, cancer included, just isn't as important. I am so thankful for perspective. Whether I beat this like a champ or I have a really hard time, it's not what really matters. I know that sounds crazy, but it's what I really believe and find solace in.
We ate at our favorite Mexican restaurant (Papas and Beer - where we went on our first date), visited with some of our most favorite people, and wrapped things up at the Chocolate Lounge. We were planning to stay for dinner and whatever other adventures we found, but we were both exhausted. Instead of talking about silly and exciting things, we mostly discussed cancer and it's impact on our life. When we got home, Danny said "I wanted our anniversary to be so wonderful but no matter how far I drove, I couldn't get away from the cancer." It broke my heart. I hate that there is something inside of me that is so toxic and that affects so many people in such a negative way. I can't believe this is just the beginning and it already has changed so much. I love my husband more than anything - I couldn't go through this without him.
I had the echocardiogram today. It was a simple ultrasound of my heart. It made me a little sad that the only ultrasound I will ever get will be because of my cancer and not because I'm pregnant. But as my fortune cookie aptly stated earlier in the week "Don't cry over spilt milk." Tomorrow I'm getting my port in and I'm a little nervous. Hopefully, it's not too bad. I'll let you guys know.
We ate at our favorite Mexican restaurant (Papas and Beer - where we went on our first date), visited with some of our most favorite people, and wrapped things up at the Chocolate Lounge. We were planning to stay for dinner and whatever other adventures we found, but we were both exhausted. Instead of talking about silly and exciting things, we mostly discussed cancer and it's impact on our life. When we got home, Danny said "I wanted our anniversary to be so wonderful but no matter how far I drove, I couldn't get away from the cancer." It broke my heart. I hate that there is something inside of me that is so toxic and that affects so many people in such a negative way. I can't believe this is just the beginning and it already has changed so much. I love my husband more than anything - I couldn't go through this without him.
I had the echocardiogram today. It was a simple ultrasound of my heart. It made me a little sad that the only ultrasound I will ever get will be because of my cancer and not because I'm pregnant. But as my fortune cookie aptly stated earlier in the week "Don't cry over spilt milk." Tomorrow I'm getting my port in and I'm a little nervous. Hopefully, it's not too bad. I'll let you guys know.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)