So let's try this again. This time, I think I actually am out of the worst of it. Last post I foolishly thought that was true until I took another pretty hard spiral down into oblivion. This disease, this treatment - every day brings new difficulties, new pain, new fears. My heart breaks for every single person that is touched by it. Now that I'm feeling better it's easier for me to say that I'm lucky, that it wasn't half as bad as it could have been. The body forgets pain so quickly, it's incredible. Seven days of horror and then it's mostly over - I can do that. I have to do it. I'm hoping the next time through will be a little more bearable just because I'll have some idea of what's going on.
This whole last week has been marked by fear. All of these pains were new to me and I didn't know what would ease them in the slightest, how long they would remain, or what would make them more angry. I was afraid to eat and afraid to not eat, afraid to take medicine and afraid not to, afraid to turn on the tv, afraid to sleep too long, afraid to move too quickly, afraid to look at the computer screen - I was a hot mess. Paralyzed by and overwhelmed with fear. You can verify this by asking anyone who spoke to me during days 5-7, which I lovingly call the Sob Phase. I don't think I've ever cried like I did during that time before in my life. Thankfully I had Neebo to wipe my tears away, repeatedly. And my sweet family to call (seriously, I think my soon to be sister Laura saved my life one very dark morning). And my husband who patiently endured my nonstop complaining. And my God, and this song I sang over and over to myself:
The Greatness Of Our God
Give me eyes to see more of who you are
May what I behold still my anxious heart
Take what I have known and break it all apart
For you my God are greater still...
Give me grace to see beyond this moment here
To believe that there is nothing else to fear
And that you alone are high above it all
For you my God are greater still...
I am SO THANKFUL to be feeling more like myself. There is so much to write, but I'm still a little gun shy of staying in front of the computer for long. I wore earplugs for a few days last week because the sound of the refrigerator was making me nauseated, so yea, I'm a little protective over my potential sensitivities. What's most important is that I have survived this far and I'm now almost back to myself (except for an incredibly finicky stomach and not having much physical endurance). One down, seven (oh sweet Jesus PLEASE make it more like two) more to go.
Congrats on making it through round one. Hopefully now that you know more about what you are facing it will be somewhat easier. May the love and support of your friends and family help carry you.
ReplyDeleteYou can, and more importantly, will make it through this -- what other choice do you really have?
All my love,
Carrie
"See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me." Isaiah 49:16 "For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you.'" Isaiah 41:12
ReplyDeleteYou are right, its a lot of fear. Uncharted territory that you are mapping out. Your strength amazes me. This is by no means an easy road to walk, but you are doing it. I'll be here for all the dark days and all the light ones to. Love you sister. <3
ReplyDeleteI feel ya, honey. I was hoping your experience wouldn't be so bad. My oncologist tells me some people experience few side effects from the chemo, and some people get all of them. I reached a point after this last one where I thought if I didn't only have one more to go, I'd stop treatment. But I'm on the end of the worst of this round, and next week I'll go ahead with my final round of chemo. I'm praying that our God strengthens you mightily, and soon you'll also be summoning the wherewithal to walk for your last treatment. My sister just finished radiation, and she told me yesterday that she was amazed at how quickly the horrors of chemo fade. I'm holding on to that.
ReplyDeleteI pray for you and for Danny. For strength, for peace, for good days. While chemo feels wicked evil, we have to believe its worth it. Meanwhile we have our family, our friends, our canine/feline companions, the beautiful Word and our awesome Father to draw strength from. I've been reading Psalm 119 a lot. I've recently picked up my guitar, which I haven't touched in a few years. I spend a lot of time in the shade on my back porch with my dogs. I think about how God has blessed me and in how many ways my life is good.
Praying that you find the things that strengthen and comfort you.
Love...
Denise
So happy that your first round of treatment is down. Praying that the remaining ones kick this cancer's butt!
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