After a brief intermission...

So I guess it's probably about time for me to climb out of my self-pitying hole and let you guys know that I'm alive.  And ok, all things considered.  It's been five days now since chemo.  The first few days I just sat.  I sat and I stared and I waited to feel better.  Everything seemed like it was too hard, too exhausting, completely overwhelming.  Lifting my arm.  Forming words.  Being engaged in anything.  You know something is very wrong and you know that you feel very sick, but you can't explain it and you can't make it better.  I felt like it took everything I had in me to simply sit and stare and wait.  I was very sensitive to things, especially noises.  The hum of the refrigerator, the tv, the cat litter box, they all made my head ache in this strange sort of sensory overload.  Just the thought of so many foods made my stomach turn.  The foods I do eat taste off - the worst is water.  I love water and I need to drink a lot of it, but every sip tastes and smells like dirty chalk.  I know it doesn't seem like a big thing, but when you're already feeling quesy... I've been taking Prednisone every day since last wednesday to complete the chemo round and these pills are so nasty.  Even after I wrap them up in a fruit roll-up so I can swallow them, they haunt me a few hours later when everything I eat tastes like the bitter bitter powder they are made of.

But all of that to say, I think I've been spared of much.  A lot of people can't stop retching for the first few days and I haven't done it once.  Some people get this horrible pin prick pain in their mouth for days and I haven't.  I've tried to be diligent to brush my teeth, wash my hands, and take my medicines (even though I know I'm not a model student).  I am hoping the worst is over for this cycle.  I can't even begin to think about going back in again for another round.  I don't know how people do this and continue working or taking care of their families.  I don't know how you would do anything but sit and stare and wait.

Today I talked on the phone.  I've put together two jigsaw puzzles.  I sleep, I eat a little (almonds, noodles, cereal, rice, bread), I brush my teeth, I sit, I take a bath, I take a nap, I eat a little, I brush my teeth.  I am so thankful to be able to be so incredibly selfish.  I know it's been hard for Danny, I can't imagine how hard, but we are just trying the best we can to figure out how to do this.  I have yet to find the instruction manual on "How to laugh through Chemotherapy while lovin' life!"  The fact is that this is painfully real and unimaginably difficult and I was not prepared.  We weren't prepared.  How do you possibly prepare for this?

I am so thankful for all of you out there that are helping to carry the burden, that are sending prayers up to the great Healer and Comforter for me, who make it your business to check in and graciously allow me to preserve my words and my strength for another time, who I know are fighting for my health and my joy on a daily basis in the simple ways that you love me so well.  Please, I beg you, keep it up - I now have a taste of how much more may be required of me as the weeks go by and it is so so frightening.  We are struggling, blindly trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense.  Trying to fit something into our lives we never welcomed in.