Potentially not as devastating!

Yesterday I had my second chemo treatment.  The day started off with a bang - Danny and I woke up to the worst smell our nostrils have ever encountered.  Danny walked into the bathroom to find that one of our cats, Charlie, had pooped and peed on our bathmat while the other cat, Amos, had pooped in the CatGenie but we had mistakenly put in the wrong cleaning solution and the CatGenie proceeded to shred, re-wet, and bake the toxic smelling poop. throwing the odor into every particle of air throughout the entire house.  I had to brush my teeth on the porch, that's how bad it was.  SO frustrating, especially since we had just had the house thoroughly cleaned the day before and I was off to chemo.  Our pastor and good friend Jordan came over to take us to chemo and then spend the day with Danny until I was done.  We told him the wrong time so he showed up at 8am instead of 8:45am, about 2 minutes after Danny and I had rolled out of bed and cussed at the cats.  He also choose to spend his time waiting to go outside of the house.  Great start to a great day haha...

I was less apprehensive going to the appointment this time just because I knew what to expect.  Such a blessing.  I could enjoy time with Danny and Jordan while we stopped to pick up donuts, coffee, and a sandwich for later.  Last time I was too afraid to eat anything the morning of because I thought I would be throwing it up later in the day.  This time I know that the one thing that made me feel worse was not having enough in my stomach and not consistently flushing the system, so I've been trying to eat more.  We got to the Cancer Center at 9:15.  I got blood work done at 9:45.  We walked back to a room to speak with the doctor at 10.  We actually spoke to the doctor at 11.  The chemo started around 11:30 and finished up around 5.  Knowing that it would take a little while for the sickness to catch up with me, Danny and I got Jimmy Johns for dinner on the way home.  I started feeling a little sick around 8pm - just light headed, loss of energy, that sweeping overwhelming feeling that makes me tear up instantly, and this strange feeling like you could throw-up at any moment but you don't really feel sick.  That last bit I think is because of the anti-nausea medicine.  I slept very well and have just relaxing all day today, with only a few minor break downs.  I feel exponentially better today than I did at this time last round.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty pathetic, but just having the motivation to write a blog post and be able to sit in front of the computer is testimony to how much better I feel as compared to last time.  All I can do is continue to pray that this round would roll over me gently.  

We have had more people stop by and deliver food to us this round, which I was a little nervous about.  Last round I just didn't eat much at all and really strong smelling food didn't help me feel any better.  However, my gorgeous friend Tiffany and a wonderful woman at church named Tommie brought us meals that are so good and so sensitive to my strange and specific diet at the moment.  It seems like it's easier to eat this round because I have a few more options to work with.  We are so blessed.  

In other news, Danny interviewed for a new job yesterday and he thinks it went well.  His current job is at the hospital and it is inconsistent at best.  We haven't been able to rely on it for steady income, which makes planning and budgeting difficult.  We are really excited about this job possibility - it would really help compensate for the income I've lost from not being able to work as much.  

Cheers to a potentially not as completely devastating round!             

Just call me Evie...

Life has definitely moved faster since I last wrote. I was right in thinking I was finally over the worst of it on my last post - my health has continued to improve and I am seriously in awe of how good I feel. There were little accomplishments every day - Friday (day 10) I drove to Target by myself on a mission to get Danny a present and it was the first time I felt good enough to leave the house on my own. On Saturday (day 11) I celebrated getting through a whole day of eating without having to run immediately to the bathroom afterward. On Sunday (day 12) I went to the track and actually ran a half mile (in embarrassingly short increments mind you, but whatever)!! That was the first time I had run since before November (which was when my leg tumors began fracturing my tibia from the inside). While on the track, I was completely overwhelmed with emotion and ended up tearing up in front of this kind ogre of a man that happened to be walking nearby. Haha, leave it to cancer to break down walls between people. :) I was just so thankful that I felt good and so amazed at my body - how extraordinary we are designed. I mean, I had just poured bags and bags full of poison into my body 12 days earlier! On Monday, I went back to work. I have been working every day since (except for a really nice break yesterday).  Of the past 7 days of work, my boss asked me to stand MOD on 5 of them!  It was a little overwhelming at first, going from zero exertion to 100% effort, but I got through it.  It felt so good to really feel like I was contributing again.  And everyone at work has been so kind to me, making me feel like I had really been missed while I was sick.

Last Thursday I woke up to a new surprise - my hair officially began to fall out and quickly. In the shower that day I washed my hair and every time I ran my fingers through it to rinse out the shampoo, I would come away with my hand covered with strands of hair. It didn't come out in clumps or sections, like I thought it might, its just seemed like random hairs all over my head decided to jump ship. It was like a bunch of lemmings - every time I would run my hand through my hair, more and more follicles decided to join their friends in the trash can.  I wanted to get all of the loose ones out so that they didn't just fall out on my shoulders or heaven forbid into someone's food, but after standing over a garbage can for 5 minutes straight pulling loads out I figured out that I would be bald before the night ended if I didn't stop.  The next day Danny and I went to Jane's beauty shop (a friend from church) and she buzzed it.  I was really concerned that my lack of hair would be a huge distraction at work that night and the guests would choke on their food and gawk at me as I passed by, but it turned out not to be a big deal.  I had brought a scarf in to cover up if I was feeling awkward, but I didn't end up using it.  I may wear scarves more when I am totally bald, but with half of my hair still in place and only a centimeter long, the scarves pull on my scalp and it makes them more of a nuisance than their worth.  Now that it's all said and done, I really don't mind my new look much at all.  It's weird when the wind blows and it feels like someone is pouring water on my head, but I'm sure it's something I'll get used to.
 
We are trying to gear up for the next round of chemo, which I'll be getting on Wednesday (only 2 days away now, poop on a stick).  I am hopeful that this time won't be as bad as last time since we are now armed with much more knowledge and experience.  I have a few new medicines that we think will prevent some of the symptoms from last round, I have a lounge chair on the porch to perch on for hours away from some of the nausea-inducing sounds and smells that live inside our house, and we are stocked up with high fiber wraps and shredded cheese for quick quesadillas.  Someone is supposed to come and clean the house tomorrow (hallelujah!) and I've already got The Glee Project in my Hulu queue to watch on Wednesday while I'm stuck in the depressing chemo ward.  Most importantly, this time I know that the pain WILL subside eventually and that I won't feel horrible forever.  That knowledge is absolutely priceless.  Danny's parents are coming to visit at the end of this week and we are both VERY excited to see them (even though that may not come across when they arrive because I'll be so drugged out).  Not the most thrilling of vacations for them, but it means the world to us.
  
I know I haven't been good about returning emails or sending thank yous to the many of you that have contacted us and encouraged us with your unfaltering support.  Please forgive me.  I have always been terrible at correspondence and the cancer hasn't seemed to make that any easier.  I am very very thankful for all of you that are choosing to walk with us through this.  The notes, emails, packages, texts, and calls mean more than you know.

Lastly (but not least!), a dear friend of mine from my old church in Asheville (shout out to my Breakthrough family!!) has created a line of very cute and well made products under her small business called Unique 31 that, if ordered, will directly profit us.  She has designed three different awesome hats, headbands, and flower clips especially for us that you can peruse in her online store here: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.372845712779669.87784.202529366477972&type=1  If you are interested in buying something, simply send Jen a message through Facebook and she will give you detailed instructions on how to complete the purchase.  Every little bit helps and we are completely humbled by Jen's offer to make these beautiful creations in an effort to support us.  If you have time, please go and look at the page to see if anything strikes your fancy!

To believe that there is nothing else to fear...

So let's try this again.  This time, I think I actually am out of the worst of it.  Last post I foolishly thought that was true until I took another pretty hard spiral down into oblivion.  This disease, this treatment - every day brings new difficulties, new pain, new fears.  My heart breaks for every single person that is touched by it.  Now that I'm feeling better it's easier for me to say that I'm lucky, that it wasn't half as bad as it could have been.  The body forgets pain so quickly, it's incredible.  Seven days of horror and then it's mostly over - I can do that.  I have to do it.  I'm hoping the next time through will be a little more bearable just because I'll have some idea of what's going on.

This whole last week has been marked by fear.  All of these pains were new to me and I didn't know what would ease them in the slightest, how long they would remain, or what would make them more angry.  I was afraid to eat and afraid to not eat, afraid to take medicine and afraid not to, afraid to turn on the tv, afraid to sleep too long, afraid to move too quickly, afraid to look at the computer screen - I was a hot mess.  Paralyzed by and overwhelmed with fear.  You can verify this by asking anyone who spoke to me during days 5-7, which I lovingly call the Sob Phase.  I don't think I've ever cried like I did during that time before in my life.  Thankfully I had Neebo to wipe my tears away, repeatedly.  And my sweet family to call (seriously, I think my soon to be sister Laura saved my life one very dark morning).  And my husband who patiently endured my nonstop complaining.  And my God, and this song I sang over and over to myself:

The Greatness Of Our God

Give me eyes to see more of who you are
May what I behold still my anxious heart
Take what I have known and break it all apart
For you my God are greater still...

Give me grace to see beyond this moment here
To believe that there is nothing else to fear
And that you alone are high above it all
For you my God are greater still...

I am SO THANKFUL to be feeling more like myself.  There is so much to write, but I'm still a little gun shy of staying in front of the computer for long.  I wore earplugs for a few days last week because the sound of the refrigerator was making me nauseated, so yea, I'm a little protective over my potential sensitivities.  What's most important is that I have survived this far and I'm now almost back to myself (except for an incredibly finicky stomach and not having much physical endurance).  One down, seven (oh sweet Jesus PLEASE make it more like two) more to go.  

After a brief intermission...

So I guess it's probably about time for me to climb out of my self-pitying hole and let you guys know that I'm alive.  And ok, all things considered.  It's been five days now since chemo.  The first few days I just sat.  I sat and I stared and I waited to feel better.  Everything seemed like it was too hard, too exhausting, completely overwhelming.  Lifting my arm.  Forming words.  Being engaged in anything.  You know something is very wrong and you know that you feel very sick, but you can't explain it and you can't make it better.  I felt like it took everything I had in me to simply sit and stare and wait.  I was very sensitive to things, especially noises.  The hum of the refrigerator, the tv, the cat litter box, they all made my head ache in this strange sort of sensory overload.  Just the thought of so many foods made my stomach turn.  The foods I do eat taste off - the worst is water.  I love water and I need to drink a lot of it, but every sip tastes and smells like dirty chalk.  I know it doesn't seem like a big thing, but when you're already feeling quesy... I've been taking Prednisone every day since last wednesday to complete the chemo round and these pills are so nasty.  Even after I wrap them up in a fruit roll-up so I can swallow them, they haunt me a few hours later when everything I eat tastes like the bitter bitter powder they are made of.

But all of that to say, I think I've been spared of much.  A lot of people can't stop retching for the first few days and I haven't done it once.  Some people get this horrible pin prick pain in their mouth for days and I haven't.  I've tried to be diligent to brush my teeth, wash my hands, and take my medicines (even though I know I'm not a model student).  I am hoping the worst is over for this cycle.  I can't even begin to think about going back in again for another round.  I don't know how people do this and continue working or taking care of their families.  I don't know how you would do anything but sit and stare and wait.

Today I talked on the phone.  I've put together two jigsaw puzzles.  I sleep, I eat a little (almonds, noodles, cereal, rice, bread), I brush my teeth, I sit, I take a bath, I take a nap, I eat a little, I brush my teeth.  I am so thankful to be able to be so incredibly selfish.  I know it's been hard for Danny, I can't imagine how hard, but we are just trying the best we can to figure out how to do this.  I have yet to find the instruction manual on "How to laugh through Chemotherapy while lovin' life!"  The fact is that this is painfully real and unimaginably difficult and I was not prepared.  We weren't prepared.  How do you possibly prepare for this?

I am so thankful for all of you out there that are helping to carry the burden, that are sending prayers up to the great Healer and Comforter for me, who make it your business to check in and graciously allow me to preserve my words and my strength for another time, who I know are fighting for my health and my joy on a daily basis in the simple ways that you love me so well.  Please, I beg you, keep it up - I now have a taste of how much more may be required of me as the weeks go by and it is so so frightening.  We are struggling, blindly trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense.  Trying to fit something into our lives we never welcomed in.